Leaving 15, Entering 16

The general feeling I have leaving 2015 and entering into 2016 is that of leaving the city streets and getting on the highway. There is a feeling of slowly increasing speed to join the accelerated pace of the three laned traffic.

Sitting outside just a couple winter nights ago, huddled around a fire with three other women, we spoke of things on our hearts. We even sang songs that would not escape our minds. As we sat there one of them spoke up saying that for so many 2015 was a hard year, but 2014 wasn’t much better. She spoke of how ’16 held so much more promise for many. She said that she had been encouraged that ’15 was a buffer year between the turmoil of ’14 and the promise of ’16. My spirit leapt at this! Yes, yes!

We need buffers. We need acceleration lanes. We need fall in order to transition from summer to winter. We need engagement before marriage. I think there is something to be said for the period between. Psychologically we do not do well with drastic sudden change as humans. Many traumas people are faced with overcoming come from an instance of drastic life altering sudden change. Not to say sudden change is horrific but there is something to be valued in transition or in the processing.

What grace there was in ’15 for me personally. The year before was rough. I had found myself partially numb, disoriented, struggling, and feeling unloved. Im sure I walked around with bags under my eyes most days, with a feeble attempt of searching for some relief. Tormented by discouragement and a nagging feeling of being sidetracked filled my everyday. I had been joyfully riding a train at full speed, only to then find myself on the side of the tracks walking as if a hobo with no home. 

I had a wake up call at some point realizing I had completely lost myself. I did not know how to dream anymore. I did not even know what I stood for. And there in that epiphanic moment is when it was birthed. Desire came to life in me again. Desire to find myself again. I broke away from what held me hostage and…I felt very alone.

  Enter year ’15. Slow learning of how I should be treated again. I should be loved, treasured. I was beautiful…who knew? I wasn’t disqualified. I was a leader. I had dreams. Taking care of myself was not selfish. I was a daughter close to home again. People wanted to be my friend when I had none. I was an artist. I was an adventurer. I was heartbroken and in need of a healer. I could feel again. I possibly had purpose again.

 And for sure I saw I served a very jealous God with a destiny built for me to fit in and create. ’15 was a rebuilding and a detoxing time for me. I found grace to bookend my failures. And hope to start a new chapter.

Here I am at the beginning of ’16, knowing I needed ’15 to carry me away from ’14. I feel back on the tracks. Though now I know what it is to be a hobo wandering along, having lost sight of almost everything. But let me tell you if you are in that place, do not sweat it.  Cry, fight, wrestle, and pray. Pray simply “God, help because I just don’t know”.  God is not worried. He has more than enough grace to carry you back to your path where you were dancing in joy and purpose. Nothing is ever wasted. And most times we need to have a transition time to prepare us for the promise to come. So may your journey be sweet no matter what and may you been given the grace to not give up.

Cheers to what this year holds!

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