Where do I begin, where am I found? I want to be true to who I am, yet right now I am wandering a bit. I am rummaging through memories. I am being found among crowds where I don’t know if I belong, wondering why they even want me around. Im swimming through hurt and aches looking for the plug that will whisp away the fragile feelings and fears. Im lesuirely walking silent steps basking in the unknown, until anxiety reaches out its wicked hand. Im testing the feelings of craving, of desire. But as I wander, will I be found? Am I lost or simply finding my way back to…well I don’t know.
Here I am, where I never saw me walking. The changes have taken their toll, yet my heart lingers in places that at times I do not even know, until I feel a paine of desperation.
I look over my shoulder at a fading familiarity missing the sweetness of what was. Time moves forward, and what was is not ahead. Maybe it will come again in a different form. Maybe. I see a friend’s hugs, a community of love, a home, and many discoveries in the messiness. I see Genuine. Come again my friend. I see too, the one who never would have wandered here. She was too fearful, uncertain, and hiding in ways no one even saw. Yet here now she stands, and now has no choice but to look ahead.
I would have known this were to come. But when I was swept off my feet by change I was trying desparately to out run, I was left laying on my back head spinning. You don’t see something like that coming, even for one as I who figures out the next move to preserve my life. Don’t be fooled I wander most days, but I come and lie for the wandering becomes too much and the spinning takes my heart by storm.
So I’ll continue to wander, not knowing when a feeling of belonging might wash over me again. On somedays I get lost, but most days I’m just walking. I have found treasures that have brought purpose and tastes of sweetness. I hold them dear and am reminded in the spinning that it is Love that keeps me alive. Love that keeps me afloat, providing treasures among my rambling trek.
Let these feeble fumbling feelings wash over me, cus I can see the hope and light ahead. How many steps I will have to take I am unsure. May I not cheat myself from the heavy delight found in these lightly tred steps. Come Love, in the midst of uncertainty, in the days that are puzzling. May your song be enough to hold me on my feet and gently greet me when I fall down on my back. Love and Hope remain with me and I’ll continue to wander with company.